let's recap. I haven't been very personal on this blog, and I'm not sure why (though I did realize recently I have a fear of persecution - WEIRD).
still reeling from the biggest betrayal of my life, and the resulting loss of two friends, one who was mostly good, and the other who I allowed myself to think was good but was pure shit on the inside. lesson there: trust my guts, and pay attention when one does not walk it like they talk it, also to notice that just because a friendship has been long-term, doesn't mean it should remain in life. settling into depression, starting to really hate my job, and myself again. the big weight gain was in full swing.
good thing: at trade show of sorts, was introduced to the league president of the local derby league. I had no idea there was even one in my city, so I was simultaneously stoked about it altogether, and annoyed that I hadn't found it sooner. made the decision to start skating again.
lost my job when my "contract ended". was devastated, but realized in pretty short order that the commute, and the combined intense boredom and stress, as well as having to make nice with a couple of the most fake people I've ever met, were making me sick. literally. was a bum for a couple of weeks, and ended up landing a job at the very place I'd been trying to get into a couple of years ago! I was SO excited. not much else went down this month that I can think of off the top of my head. I'm sure I'll post a bunch of entries saying OH YEAH, I FORGOT... it's very annoying how life blurs together.
in the full swing at my new job, which was glorious. got tattoo #6. undoubtedly went to some concerts (joe jackson, maybe? can't remember...saw many, can't remember what was when!). still having, despite definite improvement in work, a few depression issues, and definitely didn't care (or didn't care enough) that I was gaining more weight. still obsessing over roller derby.
hung out, went to shows, ate lots of sugar, drank lots of sugar. anything more specific than that has fallen in the cracks. I should keep journals, damn. self loathing still increasing unabated.
got tattoo #7 in seattle. which I love. god, how I love seattle.
bought SKATES. black high-boot skates (a choice I'd have changed in retrospect, but was overwhelmed with nostalgia...) with purple wheels and skull laces. Reconnected with a former co-worker who I always thought hated me. turns out, I was wrong. ha! also turns out that we have a ton of weird things in common and within a few hours of re-connecting were madly in platonic friendlove. started becoming annoyed with how hard it was to take a photo that didn't "make me" look fat. hmm...I wonder why that was? :) also, had an epic, hamstring-damaging fall during what was my best skate to date. man, was that painful. I could barely walk for more than a week.
birthday 30-something came and went, with a minimal of fanfare at my own request. slowly relearning how to skate. realizing, through tying them up, that I was either at my fattest, or very close to it. I also lost my job due to budget cuts. so heartbroken over that. attended my first roller derby bout and was hopelessly hooked.
saw stevie wonder. :) more skating, which was coming easier, even though my endurance was crap. I found out that the wheels make a difference! bigger, harder wheels = faster, easier skate, so long as the surface isn't garbage. decided this month that the sun might not be the worst thing in the world (I'm an avid sun avoider).
this was also the fateful month I faced my fears and got on the scale. holy fricking moley, was that ever a horrifying and sobering experience. I decided...well, you can read about the next couple of weeks at the beginning of this blog. after joining the ADBB, I realized my induction wasn't totally clean, but it was what it was. I'm still down 25 lbs since then...
still skating, still on atkins, still learning the new job, and decided to try out for the derby league. much more skating ensued. and another trip to seattle, this time to see Duff McKagan's band. at least I THINK this was in august. but yeah! good times. and steak and eggs tends to be a totally reasonably priced breakfast option there...yet another reason to love it. this was also the month of the zombiewalk, which was a blast even though I got a huge sunburn. oops!
tried out for Fresh Meat...AND GOT IN!!! I couldn't believe my eyes when I got the email! the tryout was hard, way harder skating than I was used to. midway through it, I was like "meh." hahaha! but still...so, so excited.
went on with derby training until injuring my back at the end of the month. bah! this was actually a hard month for me, physically. I had the weird exhausted flu, injured my back, and had issues with my toes going numb in my skates. I guess the timing was just off for me. let me just mention here that I had no dietary setbacks since starting atkins. woo! stress and responsibility at work got ramped up this month too. boo!
bro-in-law got diagnosed with cancer, ex got diagnosed with cancer, BFF (I hate that term) starting to slip into depression. all of these things led to me being so stressed out all the time that I couldn't focus on ANYTHING, and started having problems at work. I wish I were one of those people who can just leave their stuff at home, but I'm too much of a worrywart. still off skate.
bro in law had completely successful cancer treatment, and is doing well. can't get a clear answer from the ex on how he's doing, and am resentful that he chose to burden me with it and then not give me specifics. jerk. he made it a point to tell me that I'm the only one he's told, which frustrates the hell out of me. like, hello, I'm NOT your girlfriend anymore, you have a new one, share your struggle with her! I can't handle the worry! outside of that, saw Louis CK who was beyond awesome. also saw franz ferdinand, who were great. managed to get to the point where I'm terrified of making mistakes at work, thus making me make mistakes. great. I'm off work until the 5th, and I'm still stressing about it, can you fricking believe that??? anyway...the holiday season has been nice, I'm much happier overall than I was last year at this time, despite having no romantic interests (which I wrote a post on before about why that is a GOOD thing), and being stressed about work. still haven't been back on my skates, but that will change next week. I've decided to become a ref, and that's awesome! I love the sport of derby, and this allows me to take part and really learn the game, and also really decide if I want to PLAY the game, or not. lots of time before next year's tryouts.
overall, the year was kind of up-and-down, but in a different way than last year, which had a few dizzying highs and horrendous lows.
now I'm going to make a couple of resolutions. but I hate doing that. so I'll say more like "things I'd like to accomplish by this time next year":
1. go back to school. this surprises me, but I'm really, really feeling like I have to. either back to english, or take art classes. or both. learning is excellent.
2. lose 40 lbs. I figure that's plenty of time. I've lost 25 or so in 5 months, so maybe I can do it. I mean, I'd like to lose another 50, but let's stick with 40 for now.
3. get my shit together:
a. pare down my belongings. I have so much stuff that it's almost scary.
b. pare down my clothes. yet again.
c. get my shit together more mentally. the chaos and overall too-much-ness of my surroundings definitely reflects the overwhelming, vast clutterfest that is my thoughts.
4. do something different with my hair. I don't know where exactly I can go with my hair as it is: thick, abundant, curly, frizzy at times. short hair on me is just...not good. but I still want something different.
5. take yoga back up. I had a weird reaction to it out of the blue a few years ago, and that ruined the relaxing nature of it for me, which hugely sucks. so I need to get back into it, because I know it's good for me.
6. get out more this summer, and get some sun.
7. allow myself to consider dating, if the opportunity presents itself. with someone I don't find torturous.
8. say yes more. I want to do more interesting things.
9. get better at skating.
10. learn how to snowboard. that would be more for at the end of the year.
11. start learning capoiera. maybe.
that's that for now, anyway. here's to a more productive 2009, and highest hopes that everyone makes it through intact! happy new year! :)
October 17, 2018
3 weeks ago