bye bye, 2008

let's recap. I haven't been very personal on this blog, and I'm not sure why (though I did realize recently I have a fear of persecution - WEIRD).

January:
still reeling from the biggest betrayal of my life, and the resulting loss of two friends, one who was mostly good, and the other who I allowed myself to think was good but was pure shit on the inside. lesson there: trust my guts, and pay attention when one does not walk it like they talk it, also to notice that just because a friendship has been long-term, doesn't mean it should remain in life. settling into depression, starting to really hate my job, and myself again. the big weight gain was in full swing.
good thing: at trade show of sorts, was introduced to the league president of the local derby league. I had no idea there was even one in my city, so I was simultaneously stoked about it altogether, and annoyed that I hadn't found it sooner. made the decision to start skating again.

February:
lost my job when my "contract ended". was devastated, but realized in pretty short order that the commute, and the combined intense boredom and stress, as well as having to make nice with a couple of the most fake people I've ever met, were making me sick. literally. was a bum for a couple of weeks, and ended up landing a job at the very place I'd been trying to get into a couple of years ago! I was SO excited. not much else went down this month that I can think of off the top of my head. I'm sure I'll post a bunch of entries saying OH YEAH, I FORGOT... it's very annoying how life blurs together.

March:
in the full swing at my new job, which was glorious. got tattoo #6. undoubtedly went to some concerts (joe jackson, maybe? can't remember...saw many, can't remember what was when!). still having, despite definite improvement in work, a few depression issues, and definitely didn't care (or didn't care enough) that I was gaining more weight. still obsessing over roller derby.

April:
hung out, went to shows, ate lots of sugar, drank lots of sugar. anything more specific than that has fallen in the cracks. I should keep journals, damn. self loathing still increasing unabated.

May:
got tattoo #7 in seattle. which I love. god, how I love seattle.
bought SKATES. black high-boot skates (a choice I'd have changed in retrospect, but was overwhelmed with nostalgia...) with purple wheels and skull laces. Reconnected with a former co-worker who I always thought hated me. turns out, I was wrong. ha! also turns out that we have a ton of weird things in common and within a few hours of re-connecting were madly in platonic friendlove. started becoming annoyed with how hard it was to take a photo that didn't "make me" look fat. hmm...I wonder why that was? :) also, had an epic, hamstring-damaging fall during what was my best skate to date. man, was that painful. I could barely walk for more than a week.

June:
birthday 30-something came and went, with a minimal of fanfare at my own request. slowly relearning how to skate. realizing, through tying them up, that I was either at my fattest, or very close to it. I also lost my job due to budget cuts. so heartbroken over that. attended my first roller derby bout and was hopelessly hooked.

July:
saw stevie wonder. :) more skating, which was coming easier, even though my endurance was crap. I found out that the wheels make a difference! bigger, harder wheels = faster, easier skate, so long as the surface isn't garbage. decided this month that the sun might not be the worst thing in the world (I'm an avid sun avoider).
this was also the fateful month I faced my fears and got on the scale. holy fricking moley, was that ever a horrifying and sobering experience. I decided...well, you can read about the next couple of weeks at the beginning of this blog. after joining the ADBB, I realized my induction wasn't totally clean, but it was what it was. I'm still down 25 lbs since then...

August:
still skating, still on atkins, still learning the new job, and decided to try out for the derby league. much more skating ensued. and another trip to seattle, this time to see Duff McKagan's band. at least I THINK this was in august. but yeah! good times. and steak and eggs tends to be a totally reasonably priced breakfast option there...yet another reason to love it. this was also the month of the zombiewalk, which was a blast even though I got a huge sunburn. oops!

September:
tried out for Fresh Meat...AND GOT IN!!! I couldn't believe my eyes when I got the email! the tryout was hard, way harder skating than I was used to. midway through it, I was like "meh." hahaha! but still...so, so excited.

October:
went on with derby training until injuring my back at the end of the month. bah! this was actually a hard month for me, physically. I had the weird exhausted flu, injured my back, and had issues with my toes going numb in my skates. I guess the timing was just off for me. let me just mention here that I had no dietary setbacks since starting atkins. woo! stress and responsibility at work got ramped up this month too. boo!

November:
bro-in-law got diagnosed with cancer, ex got diagnosed with cancer, BFF (I hate that term) starting to slip into depression. all of these things led to me being so stressed out all the time that I couldn't focus on ANYTHING, and started having problems at work. I wish I were one of those people who can just leave their stuff at home, but I'm too much of a worrywart. still off skate.

December:
bro in law had completely successful cancer treatment, and is doing well. can't get a clear answer from the ex on how he's doing, and am resentful that he chose to burden me with it and then not give me specifics. jerk. he made it a point to tell me that I'm the only one he's told, which frustrates the hell out of me. like, hello, I'm NOT your girlfriend anymore, you have a new one, share your struggle with her! I can't handle the worry! outside of that, saw Louis CK who was beyond awesome. also saw franz ferdinand, who were great. managed to get to the point where I'm terrified of making mistakes at work, thus making me make mistakes. great. I'm off work until the 5th, and I'm still stressing about it, can you fricking believe that??? anyway...the holiday season has been nice, I'm much happier overall than I was last year at this time, despite having no romantic interests (which I wrote a post on before about why that is a GOOD thing), and being stressed about work. still haven't been back on my skates, but that will change next week. I've decided to become a ref, and that's awesome! I love the sport of derby, and this allows me to take part and really learn the game, and also really decide if I want to PLAY the game, or not. lots of time before next year's tryouts.

overall, the year was kind of up-and-down, but in a different way than last year, which had a few dizzying highs and horrendous lows.

now I'm going to make a couple of resolutions. but I hate doing that. so I'll say more like "things I'd like to accomplish by this time next year":

1. go back to school. this surprises me, but I'm really, really feeling like I have to. either back to english, or take art classes. or both. learning is excellent.
2. lose 40 lbs. I figure that's plenty of time. I've lost 25 or so in 5 months, so maybe I can do it. I mean, I'd like to lose another 50, but let's stick with 40 for now.
3. get my shit together:
a. pare down my belongings. I have so much stuff that it's almost scary.
b. pare down my clothes. yet again.
c. get my shit together more mentally. the chaos and overall too-much-ness of my surroundings definitely reflects the overwhelming, vast clutterfest that is my thoughts.
4. do something different with my hair. I don't know where exactly I can go with my hair as it is: thick, abundant, curly, frizzy at times. short hair on me is just...not good. but I still want something different.
5. take yoga back up. I had a weird reaction to it out of the blue a few years ago, and that ruined the relaxing nature of it for me, which hugely sucks. so I need to get back into it, because I know it's good for me.
6. get out more this summer, and get some sun.
7. allow myself to consider dating, if the opportunity presents itself. with someone I don't find torturous.
8. say yes more. I want to do more interesting things.
9. get better at skating.
10. learn how to snowboard. that would be more for at the end of the year.
11. start learning capoiera. maybe.

that's that for now, anyway. here's to a more productive 2009, and highest hopes that everyone makes it through intact! happy new year! :)

arm: 12
chest: 43
waist: 36.5
hips: 44
thigh: 22.5 (with pants)

still miraculously holding at 210 after the crazy amount of food I've been consuming due to being more or less snowbound.

christmas was good, I only had one full-on cheat in the form of salted caramel. only a small piece, and COMPLETELY worth it. my niece made it, so it's not like I'll see it tempting me in a store, and I'm sure she won't bring it around me again anytime soon!

for the gazillionth time...now to get my exercise on track.

merry christmas, happy water retension. UGH. without it...I'm actually down 25 lbs. woo! with it...I'm up a few and trying not to freak out.

as of this morning, I'm down 24.5 lbs. :) measurements to follow!

I am a lousy, lazy blogger. shame on me.

wow!

two whole posts this month!  go me!  ha!  

I'm realizing that my overall baseline happiness level is higher than it's been in a couple of years.  I pretty much don't want to meet a guy right now, because I have a bad tendency to put too much of my happiness into the other person's hands, whether I let them know that or not.  at this point, if stuff goes wrong, I can kind of buoy myself.  so I just need to not get sucked into any guy stuff for the rest of the year, so it can coast through on a peaceful note. 

aren't I just terrible??

anyhow, as of two days ago, I'm down 19 lbs.  I almost can't believe it!  and it's coming off slowly, which I think is good, because when I lose a big chunk all at once, the first thing I think is "well, now I can AFFORD to have that cookie/ice cream/potato/insert sugary/starchy thing here!"  I actually am not even missing that stuff right now anyway.

now to measure.  it's been awhile.  and my usual thing of inches-not-lbs or lbs-not-inches is probably still in effect...

arm: 12.5
chest:  43
waist: 37
hips: 45
thigh: 22.5, closer to .75

pretty much!

not being able to skate is sucking my will to live.  almost.  hopefully it'll only be another 2 or so weeks instead of 4!

uh oh, spiralling into blog-related laziness!

not that I have readers to disappoint, but I should be more disciplined, hehe!

I also seem to have lost my measuring tape.  hrmph.

so I was going up and down by half a lb this week.  it's frustrating when the scales don't move.  and work...ack.  I have a performance review on monday, which probably won't be as bad as I fear, but I am still terrified.  I hate those things.

on a better note...I got in the roller derby league!  YES!  I was so shocked that i made it in!

anyway, tape time as per usual.

arm: 13
chest: 43
waist: 38
hips: 45
thigh: 23

3 more little inches.  better than none!

I should post more often, this blog has become terribly redundant.  :)

something is making me retain water this week.  I can't figure out WHAT, but I can feel it in my feet and a little in my hands.  gross.  considering I drink around 12 glasses per day, it shouldn't be possible to retain water.   or so I think anyway!  :)

if anyone reads my drivel, please try to send me some calming, good vibes between 7 and 10 pm PST tomorrow, I have something important going on that I'm NERVOUS about.  I may or may not explain what it is once it's done, but I'd really appreciate it!

ok, tape time.  no lbs this week.  I feel puffy and the scale agrees.

arm: same as last week
chest: 43.5
waist: 38
hips: 46
thigh: 24

so from last week's hormonal fun, I'm down 1.5 inches.  not much to speak of really.  perhaps my eating needs tweaking.  I still need more exercise.  disappointed.  though a loss is still a loss, right??

this week has been work +.  so busy at work.  that's my excuse for lack of blog activity, and I'm sticking to it!  yes, excuse, not story.  :)

I have to practice getting up on my skates, like from the ground.  new wheels, new kneepads, all this gear, tryouts next sunday.  which I'm terrified about.  ack.

anyhow, saturday being measuring day, apparently...

arm: between 13 and 13.5
chest: 44.5.  hormones.
waist: 38
hips: 46.5
thigh: 24

two more inches, yay!  you know, I'm PRETTY sure I'm measuring at the same point on my thigh each week.  about midway down.  so I'd say whatever I put up here is a semi-rough estimate.  :)

anyway, I haven't had breakfast yet.  so I'm gonna go do that.  I bet you're excited about this.  ha!

 

2 lbs down this week!  yeah!

this week has been a dumb one, rife with family drama and stress.  I can't believe I didn't pull out all my hair.  and tonight, a concert.  tomorrow, a  party (which I secretly really don't want to go to...shhhh).  and I have to sneak in as much skating as I can!

anyway, tape time.

arm: 13.5
chest: 44
waist: 39
hips: 47
thigh: 24.5

another half inch.  ok, so bodies are weird.  when I'm not losing lbs, I'm losing inches.  when I'm not losing inches, I'm losing lbs...wtf?  losing is still losing though.  :)

I think I need to eat less nuts.  period.  but it's so hard!  hahaha!

it's measuring day, let's get that out of the way now.

arm: 13.5
chest: 44
waist: 39
hips: 47
thigh: 25

let's see...that is down another 2.5 inches!  bodies are so weird.  anyway, 15 inches gone.  now if the damn scale would just start budging, I'd feel better.  how sick is that?  I'm shrinking, which is the goal, and the scale is bugging me.  I should take the scale and throw it against a wall.  ha!

(I won't throw it away of course.  stupid obsessive nature.)

ok, so I'm being slack about updating, but I can assure you, I'm still on plan.  :)

*whew*...down another lb.  :)  that really shouldn't dictate my mood or how I feel about myself, but that made me pretty happy.  stupid scale mentality!

since starting nuts, I feel like I have way more energy.  now to just make myself DO something with it.  the tendons I'd apologized to in advance for using despite the soreness are making things difficult.  note to self: go to the doctor.

anyhoo...off and running.  :)

I'm frustrated.

my weight loss has not only slowed to a halt, but it looks like I might be gaining.  I feel bloated too, which worries me.  a pair of jeans which had been getting loose suddenly feels tight in a few areas, which freaks me out.  and I've been so fricking good foodwise.  it just SUCKS.  there is no earthly reason why I should be getting bloated either, I'm drinking a ton of water and eating less salt than I used to.   but the retention, I feel it, even in my hands a little.  fuck.

arm: 14
chest: 44.5
waist: 39.75
hips: 47.5
thigh: 25.25

bodies are damn frustrating.  down another inch.  thank god.   so I've lost 12.5 inches.  I shouldn't let the weight thing get to me, BUT IT DOES.  argh.

monday!

I'm back.  the trip was fun, though cut a bit short, and I DID spend too much $$$, but I had a blast and didn't cheat on the diet even once.  :)  it's too early in the game to give myself that kind of leeway!

anyhoo...all's well.  still on plan.  I bought some macadamia nuts today, and they are awesome.  :)

1 more lb gone.  hallelujah.  come on body, don't test my patience!  ;)

off to work, then getting out of dodge for a couple of days.  oh man, may the restaurants I go to have low carb options.  I'm STILL nervous about eating out.  stupid control freak tendencies!  ;)  if I can just relax, I'll be fine... 

I'll be away this weekend, so I may as well measure now. 

last saturday:

arm:14.5
chest: 45
waist: 40
hips: 49
thigh: 26

today:

arm: 14
chest: 45
waist: 40
hips: 47.5

thigh: 25.5

another 2.5 inches gone, yay!  weird that my waist stayed the same, that's not the usual.  makes me wonder why I'm getting barrel shaped, from the side anyway.  or something.  oh well, smaller is still smaller and I shouldn't complain, right?  that brings me to 11.5 inches gone.  :)

day whatevs

still here. still hanging in. still hanging at the SAME WEIGHT for over a week now. grrrr.

I'm going away this weekend, and I'm nervous to have no control over how my food is prepared while I'm gone. plus: I can BUY some awesome stuff to have when I get home. minus: staying on plan on vacation is hard. totally do-able though, I think.

I'm too hot and crampy and just want to go home and soak my head feet.

tis august third!

yay!  sort of.  summer is half over!  where the hell did it go???

I have a birthday party to go to tonight.  the mother of the birthday boy plus one other person are (is?) on atkins too, so I made a vanilla coconut cheesecake, with chocolate cream frosting.  thank goodness I'm not counting CALORIES.

hopefully I'll be hungry enough to have some once the time comes.  it's been a meatfest around here today!

I'm not numbering days anymore.

so it really is hitting home, and I don't know if I mentioned this before (and am too lazy to go and sift through my inane ramblings to find out if I did or not), but I just have to accept the fact that I can't have grains or sugar anymore.  or carrots.  maybe someday, on the carrots, *possibly* the grains, but at this point, I can't regard those things as food.  

it blows my mind that we think we can just keep weight off when "finishing" a diet.  if you go back to the eating that made you fat, guess what's going to happen?  you'll gain it all back and then some.  I know this from experience.  but the logic there is what makes me shake my head.  and despite having been on various diets for the past 23 years, I'm only NOW getting it.  if you go on a diet, you have to continue to eat that way for the rest of your life.  weight watchers?  stay on it forever.  low-fat?  keep at it.  portion control?  have your cup and eat what's in it too.  thank goodness for atkins, or I'd be cranky constantly.

now then, this being saturday, it's time for measurements.  shudder.  I'm only down a lb this week but I'm not going to stop.  a lb is still a pound.  :)

last week:

arm: 14.5
chest: 45.5
waist: 41
hips: 49.5thigh: 26.5

this week:

arm:14.5
chest: 45
waist: 40
hips: 49thigh:26

2.5 more inches, bringing me up to 9 inches gone so far.  

there's still progress, it's still good, it's still good!

day 5 part deux?

so work this week has been boring. not just lousy movie boring, or trying to ignore children's programming with no other form of mental stimulation available boring, more like incomprehensible economics lecture by a monotone professor in a dim room boring. there are 2 other people in my department here, and three in the adjoining one. out of the 4 people who give me work, 0 of them are in today. my phone has rung a grand total of THREE (3) times since 8 am. so I'm TRYING to look busy...is it working?

I'm not sure if it's the boredom or the weather that's leading me to exhaustion. maybe it's the new schedule. maybe it's bad sleep habits consistently kept for so long. I don't know, but I DO know that I am beat. considering how much I've been napping lately, I should be bouncing off the walls, not exhausted to the point where I'm thinking of not going to a party tonight.

it's still wet outside, so I can't skate, and running is def. out of the question until I get my stupid tendons attended to. which sounds like a band name: tendons attended, opening for out of the question, on their LAST TOUR EVER!

despite the insanity? still on track. :)

ok, so not really day 2

I've already gone back on it, ha!  the idea for more induction, that is.  I'm going to move through the first three rungs of OWL and then see how I'm doing with it.  I want to get to the nut rung, properly, and keep an eye on my overall carbs.  then maybe berries later.  I'm kicking myself anew for ever giving this up in the first place.  

I also just found out about soda sweetened with stevia and was so excited that my eyes almost watered.  can you believe that?!  what a huge weiner I am!  LOL!

1 lb??? day ONE.

so according to my stupid scale, I lost 1 lb this past week.  I SHOULD be stoked to be losing at all, but goddamn...that sucks.  one more week of induction.

so day 1 of 7 of extra induction.  I wish I weren't so impatient.  :(

day 14

so I can't decide if I should do induction for another week or not.  hrm.  I'll decide after I weigh in tomorrow.

I don't think I'm ready to eat in restaurants yet.  I did it today, and it was stressful.  really hard to pick something for fear of hidden starches and sugars!

anyhoo...still sticking to plan.  :)

day 13

induction is almost over!  I may do one more week of it.  actually, yes, I WILL do one more week of it.

when I think about OWL, the second week where you can eat more soft cheese?  I wish I could skip that one and go straight to nuts.  it's so rare that I eat any kind of ricotta or cottage cheese that adding that in like I should be stoked that it's back just seems silly.

I'm going to weigh in on sundays from now on, starting next sunday.  but I figured I'd do my measurements today.  I'll be doing them on sundays too, maybe every other one.

ok, so the starting ones:

arm: 15.5
chest: 47
waist: 43
hips: 50
thigh: 28

and now:

arm: 14.5
chest: 45.5
waist: 41
hips: 49.5
thigh: 26.5

considering how I've been exhausted and not exercising enough, I think that's pretty good!  6.5 inches gone!   

the weigh-in waits until monday.  :)

day 12

thank gawd it's the weekend.  that's all I really have to say.  sleep = glorious.

and still on track.  that video is proving helpful.  I probably already said this, but anytime I think "maaaaybe just a taste?", the image pops up in my head, and the urge is GONE.

day eleven

today, another super, super long day, has also been infected with foot-in-mouth disease. man, I can't believe some of the stuff that has come flying out of my mouth! dumb dumb dumb.

I slept better last night than I had in days, but it just wasn't enough, still. that's a problem. I know, or rather have read, that not sleeping enough can impact weight loss negatively. and I certainly don't want that.

stress is overtaking the family too. my 16 yr old niece, who has always been sweet with a rarely-showing HORRIBLE temper, has suddenly morphed into this nightmareish spoiled brat. it's awful. she's probably going to run away with her boyfriend, who is poison on legs and the root of the worst of the problems. she thinks everyone else in the world is effed up and doesn't know anything but him. it's pretty awful.

still going on track. I am being way more prepared this time around, I have to say. someone give me a goddamn medal!

day 10

so yeah, my resolve to go without sweetner today went out the tubes. I really want chocolate today. and it's gonna happen, albeit in a legal, low-carb way.

I'm also in the midst of the longest workday ever. draaaag drag drag. I don't have anything to do right now.

I don't know why I'm craving, actually. maybe it's boredom, maybe I feel like I'm lacking sweetness in my life, which is highly possible. at any rate, actual sugar isn't gonna happen. all I have to do is think of that video and how counterproductive ingesting that stuff would be.

day nineee

still on track.  I feel weird today, physically, but not horrible.  I think I'm having a cleansing crisis, my face is breaking out and there is just nothing I'm eating that could be directly causing it.  therefore, I must be dumping toxins.

and the job so far is smooooth!  enjoying.  they GIVE you headphones for your computer so you can listen to music if you want!  it's lurvely!

tomorrow has to be another sweetner-free zone.  I'm not getting cravings in the slightest, i just like to have the odd squeaky-clean day, besides the clean days.  :)

day 8

so.  damn. tired.

at least I'm down 4 lbs this week.

I still feel shitty, but slightly less.

day 7

I had such a fun day today.  everything was cool, I was in a great mood, having the best day in awhile (save for forgetting to eat for HOURS and getting murderously cranky).

then I saw some video of me, shot today.  that absolutely squashed my good mood and basically ruined my good day.  it was horrifying to see what a behemoth I am, and how my face doesn't even look cute anymore.  so completely discouraging.  I can't even DEAL with it now.  this is WHY I tell my camera-happy family to NOT TAKE PICTURES OF ME OR TAPE ME UNAWARES.  it just trashes my self-worth.  even though I know that's silly and it shouldn't, it DOES all the same.  until I feel  better about myself and I can handle it, keep your cameras, etc, AWAY from me.  WHY can't people respect that?!!!

I'm sure I'll be fine in a few days, but right now, I just want to die.  I hope I can sleep tonight.

day six

or day sicks.  I feel rotten today.  queasy, had a headache earlier, and I'm just exhausted.  I hope it clears up fast.

I made oopsie rolls, and those are sooo good.  I'm going to make some to put whipped cream in when I'm feeling better!  I figured trying a substitute bread BEFORE I start craving real bread would be a good idea.  less in-between time, I figure.

I think I'm going to go lie down again.  

day 5

I am freaking exhausted today.  I actually don't feel well.  my allergies are acting up, and I think I have to be detoxing from sugar.  still/again.

work was long.  monday's work will be even longer.  the lady who is training me is very sweet, but has a bit of a B.O. problem, which is kind of unfair to the rest of us.

nothing else to say right now.  :)

day 4

first day back at work!  and so far, so good.  :)

foodwise, everything is cool.  had an americano and an atkins bar, which is as cheaty as I'd like to get.  I don't want to eat artificial chemical sweetners, but until induction is over, that's the only thing I have to slake chocolate cravings.  once I do the math, I can make a flourless chocolate cake with stevia and eggs.  and unsweetened chocolate.  I used to make it all the time when I did atkins before, and it never stalled me.

so yes, I'm basically praying I don't get bored with my food.  ha!

day 3

I had romanticized the idea of spending this entire week chilling out and focusing on induction/changing habits, but alas, it was not to be.  I start my new job tomorrow.  which I'm happy and stressed about all at the same time.  the cool thing is that despite being super stressed out about it all, I in no way feel like eating to deal with the stress.  though having to plan lunch in a workplace that is FULL of people on weight watchers is ehhhhhhhh...kinda stressful.  nobody would ever say anything, but that's beside the point.

anyhoo...day three and going strong.  my energy levels are up.  I cleaned up a bit, did a ton of laundry, and went for a nice walk this morning.  I haven't felt motivated to do ANYTHING in ages!  seriously.  garfield had nothing on me, and I'm not so much the stay-at-home-on-my-ass type.  I'd hit a low.  this must be the bounce.

and I'm fricking SAINTLY, food-wise, too.  ;)

 

day two

so far, so good.  I felt a tiny bit smaller today, and measured...one inch off the waist.  I told myself I'd only weigh and measure every couple of weeks, but I couldn't resist!  now to hide the measuring tape.

I'm doing pretty good so far with cravings or lack thereof.  thank goodness.  today I had a decaf americano with xylitol and stevia (vanilla stevia!), and a couple of ounces of cream.  it was SO good.  my sister wanted me to pick her up a coffee, so there was no way I wouldn't.  I grabbed a few advantage bars, for emergency usage, and also because they go well with coffee.  and only have 2 grams of (digestible) carbs each.  I've had half of one.  so my sort-of resolve to not use sweetners in induction fell by the wayside today, but maybe I'll go without again tomorrow.  it's all accountable.

I just need to get the exercise thing more on track.  I was prepared for low energy levels, and I really don't feel that bad.  oh yeah, except the headache which I've had since yesterday.  other than that, the mental fog is clearing, thank jebus.

now if I can just get the "steak and eggs and eggs and steak" song from family guy out of my head, I'll be set!

hellooooo, induction!

I managed to get everything off to a rollicking good start by SLEEPING IN PAST 11!  holy crap.  I haven't slept this late in ages.  I suppose if I hadn't needed the sleep, I would have woken up earlier.

it's eat-properly-and-get-my-supplements-in-order day.  quite a long title for the day, really.  my leg feels better, which means if it's not too hot out, I'll go skating, otherwise I'll go for a walk.  which I might do anyway.

I should have waited and posted at the end of the day when I will probably be saying MUST...HAVE...ICE CREAM!!!  maybe I still will.

time for breakfast.

eve

well, I had my last day of carbohydrate debauchery.  I'm ready.  ready with heartburn.  fantastic...more motivation to eat properly.  I'm just scared I've managed to put on MORE weight since I had my traumatic weigh-in a few days ago.  will I re-check?  nope...that was quite enough.  two more weeks, starting tomorrow, until I actually do weigh in.  I got some hazelnut butter today, that will be for the next phase.  :)  soooo delicious, no sugar, and 0.5 carb/tablespoon.

more motivation: swollen ankles.  ye gads.  this is motivation to DRINK MORE WATER.  I had SUCH trouble with swollen disgusting ankles last summer.  so I shouldn't be TOO worried about them this summer, they're nowhere near as bad.  but still.  ugh.

I did the huge shop.  I'm ready.  no excuses to eat anything WRONG for at least a few days, heh!  except I did forget to get lettuce!  dammit!  I'll have to see if I still have some.  stupid salad greens.  I must remember to measure out all veggies.

ok, so I keep putting off the inevitable, by which I mean measurements.  so I may as well get to it now.  all in inches...mercy!

arm: 15.5 
chest: 47
waist: 43
hips:  50
thigh: 28

it's CRAZY to me that one thigh is as big as my waist used to be.  holy hannah.  it really does creep up on you.  or does on me, anyway.  yeesh.

so there we go.  all the ugly numbers, up for whoever comes across this blog to see.  I hope the motivation sticks (and I'm aware it's my choice, but man...behaviour is a toughie to change!).

argh!

I'm trying NOT to just think "235 lbs" in huge, neon, flashing numbers everytime I look in the mirror, or feel like it's going across my forehead, marquee style, when I'm out in public.  my my, don't we have issues, hmm?

I'm actually excited to start induction again on monday.  not so excited to do the huge grocery shop, however.  less excited to be committed to frequent cooking when it's going to be Oh So Very Hot in my neck of the woods as well.  but I'll do it.  I've done it before, I'll do it again this time.

also, my right knee is giving me problems again.  I hope lessening some weight on it helps.

and the "eating what I can't after monday" thing is proving interesting.  I tried a brownie batter blizzard.  ugh.  the cherry oreo mcflurry I had a few days ago was not anywhere near as good as I'd remembered them being.  I'm realizing I don't feel all that great after drinking pop.  so maybe this is a good thing.  and hopefully if I start being wracked with coke cravings after a couple of days on the diet, I can go back and read this and remember that it wasn't all THAT great.

holy CRAP.

a few days ago, I made the informed, unified (with my sister) decision to go back on atkins.  I wasn't going to weigh myself, just measure, and not have to face up to what months worth of eating sugary crap (more like punishing myself with it) and not exercising due to tendon injuries has really, truly done to me.

I should have waited until july 14, official day 1, to weigh myself, but given that I just started my period and my weight should be at its awful highest, I figure "why not just do it today while I'm already miserable?"  hahaha!  so I did.

while it was 15 lbs less than I'd feared, I'm definitely at my heaviest.

235 lbs at 5'7".  I thought it was bad when I weighed in at 197.  yeesh.  the measurements, I'll do on monday morning.

so there we go.  tendons, apologies in advance, but I WILL be using you.  goodbye flour, rice, etc, we've had quite the run, but you not only seem to make me fat, you truly do upset my stomach.  milk, it's been fun, but not fun enough.  bread, crackers...happy trails.  sugar, I will miss you most of all.

that's the preamble.  having it all down on e-paper is something else I've never done before, like I couldn't own what I'd done to myself.  but I can this time.  :)

hilariously, I went to change my calendar today (yeah, I'm slow on the draw) and this month's image is a pinup girl...standing on a scale.  it's a SIGN, man.

so yeah!  let's do this.  first big goal weight is the one I reached last time on atkins before my uncle passed away, sending me into a tailspin of medicating my emotions with food.

gay ticker time: